Disappear Into Darkness
by holeybubushka
Summary: Giles finds out a hidden past to painful to ignore. Set in between second and third season-G/J ship.


Disappear into Darkness

Rupert Giles wearily sought through the boxes strewn across the floor. It'd had been a hard summer, firstly he had heard no word from Buffy, and now he was sorting through the items that belonged, _had_ belonged to his love Jenny.

It had been 3 months since she died, and the pain had not lessened. For Rupert, the knowledge that Jenny loved him, and knowing that he'd never be able to tell her how much he loved her, burned holes through parts of his heart he didn't know existed.

A single tear rolled down his cheek. For Buffy and Jenny each. Two women he had lost. He'd weeped many tears, alone in his own world. The rest of the of the time he spent searching for Buffy, desperately trying to find her and to assure the rest of the gang that indeed, he _was_ alright, that no, Willow, he didn't need her comfort. He sighed. "Those damn children," he thought kindly. " Always meddling!"

He looked down at the pile of clothes and other possessions, that was now, very technically his. "This looks like all of it…hallo" Rupert bent down and picked up a very old diary. It had a wooden cover. Pine, he thought. Slowly, a little uncertainly, he opened the cover, where he found a small inscription on the front page.

__

To Janna.

May you find piece in the written word.

From Papa.

Intrigued, he turned the next page. ' By Jove," he thought, stunned "This is Jenny's diary."

Hastily he put it down. "I can't read this," he gasped. " I have no right."

__

You love her, a small voice said.

" I failed her, " Giles's voiced cracked as tears started to flow.

__

She lives through you. It continued. _You need to know, who she is, who she was, so she_ _doesn't disappear in the darkness_.

" I won't let that happen." He spat. Determined, he picked up the diary and started to read.

Jan 1 1986

Um, I'm not a writey kinda person. But Papa always said that you always find a friend with a blank piece of paper, and I'm in desperate need of a friend right now.

We've moved from Manhattan to a little town I don't know about. We've settled in a place where, as usual, nobody can find us.

There's no fame in being a gypsy. No, no pretty extras for me. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I know, but bite me O.K.

We're at the dance of Arabis, and as usual we pray to Diana, to keep us strong, and Telkar, to keep those that have suffered to find peace. I'm talking Talia and guess who comes up to me, Nicholas .He offers me a dance. Never to turn people down who ask nicely, I obliged. We danced for a while. It was nice. I felt normal for once, like any other sixteen-year-old.

Nicholas then makes this move to put his hands on my butt, and I'm like, hello No! He laughs in my face and says " Oh look, Janna is complaining. You should be thankful I chose to dance with you. Everybody knows you're a freak! A girl whose parents have died, a girl who doesn't believe in our ways." He leaned in close. " Don't say you do. You're a non-believer. You probably even like that fiend Angel! What would your parents say?'

Horrified I pushed him away and ran off. I would've given him what I thought but Uncle Enyos was coming to tell us we must go for bed.

So hear I am. Crying, feeling alone. And I remember this diary.

This isn't so bad. I feel better.

Tomorrow I'll punch Nicholas.

Bye from Janna.

Feeling more than a bit morbid Giles reached and turned the page. There was another entry, feeling his curiosity rising he read some more.

March 2 1986.

We learned some more potions from Elders. I love potions 'cause I'm not that bad at it. My friend Talia, however is WAY better. She can conjure a herbal potion to cure bad colds and lice, which, unfortunately seems to be running through the tribe. " Wow you're so good at this. What's your secret? C'mon girl share."

Talia blushed "Yea, well its not so hard. I mean once you find the right way to mix the sugar flex with eye of newt, it's pinchy."

" You're certainly the little Gypsy."

" Oh, Janna you think? My father says that I'm too greedy, that I do not spend enough time studying our rituals, the curse and spells." She looked down hurt. I remember that she looked so sad, like a flower wilting. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let her get hurt, that one day she realize what a little treasure she is." Oh stop that. You're fantastic. I know that Janus thinks you're a star." I leaned in close. " And I _know_ you are."

Talia glowed. " Oh, Janna, you're so kind," she said as she hugged me. She pulled away and looked intently at me. "You've got a good soul." She turned around and we headed off to Elder Vincent's tent, to once more learn about Angelus's curse. 

You know, no matter how hard times get, With a friend like her, life will always be perfect.

Bye from Janna.

29th of March 1986

Today it's our free day. Most of the elders have gone to town, to get more potions, which gives us a 'night' on the town. 

Everybody else went to some local herbal shop. Even Talia, who asked me if I wanted to come. " No thanks," I groaned. " I wanna explore this city." She frowned worried. " Janna, if the elders found out you were not looking at appropriate shops they would…" " I know, " I said. " That's why I'm going alone." I looked at Janus, who was a few meters away. " Look whose checking you out!"

" Janus?" She asked nervous.

"Yup," I grinned. " More reason for me to leave you alone."

" Janna," she called. " Be careful."

So I'm looking around. I'd been in cities. Goddess, the reason we're learning Gypsy craft near towns is so we don't totally alienate ourselves from the world. I looked at this shop, a cafe and see saw some computers. Curious, I went up only to be snuck up from behind.

"Hello, friend. What can I do for you." She had a warm open face, kinda old, like 40, but gave off very good mystical karma, which helped out to put me at ease. "Thanks but I have no money." I said, looking down.

She chuckled. " Nonsense dear. This old place is shutting down anyway so it doesn't matter if I give a few handouts." She smiled at me as we headed into the shop. " What's up with these computers? " I asked. " Oh, people come, people use. I used to be a teacher. A computer teacher."

" Really?"

" Yes, I just loved the looks on their faces when I would teach them new things." She left me standing next to the computer and walked up to the counter. " I loved to see the, enjoy themselves, to find new avenues for themselves."

" Wow, that's great."

" Mmmmm, My name's Shirley. What's your name love?" Uhhh, I was caught. Should I give my name? You couldn't really trust people when they find out you're a gypsy. "Jenny, uh, Calendar."

" Right, Miss Calendar, would you like a turn?" Would I! "Yes, ah, sure."

" Great, it's not a fad, computers, no matter _what_ stuffy nosed people tell you. It opens up every place in the world. You feel alone, that the world's closing in on you? Well, hop on a computer and you can be free." She looked at me. " Which, _Jenny_. I think you need." I looked down. " No need to be embarrassed, love." She smiled. " Just have fun."

Boy and I did. I think I've finally found something, my place in the world. You know, when everything suddenly falls into place? Well, now I know. Now I wanna be a computer teacher. Just like Shirley. Tomorrow I wanna sneak out and have another go at computers, which should be interesting.

Bye from Janna.

**_RING RING._** "JESUS!" Giles's yelped. He ran a hand through his hair. Who would be calling now? " Hallo?" he asked, sounding sleepier than he thought.

" Giles, hey, it's me."

" Oh Xander, what is it?"

" What, I can't ring to ask how my favorite and ask how he's going?" Giles sighed. "Well," Xander continued. " Have you heard from Buffy?"

" Ah, no, unfortunately. At present I'm sorting through Jenny things."

"Giles…Jenny meant heaps to us all, we all miss her bad." Xander said tenderly.

"Xander…. Thank you." Giles felt thankful for his younger friend. "If you're going to patrol tonight, for god sake be careful."

"Will do. Later."

" Yes, good bye." Giles put the phone down and rubbed his head. He glanced at the diary lying below him on the coffee table. A window into his lost loved soul. He once again wondered whether he should read it. _She won't mind_ that voice told him. _It's time the secrets were gone._ Sighing he bent over pick up his coffee, which had gone cold, he sat down. He then accidentally knocked the diary down. Damn it, he thought. He picked it up. It was at a new page. Smiling he settled down to read.

September 5th 1988.

Everything has changed. I realize that to think that life wasn't gonna end in the perfect way in which I want it to. I realize my dream to become a teacher with Talia at my side was destined to fail. Here was our conversation, word by word

"_You're leaving!_" I choke out, hardly believing it. Taila nodded, looking miserable. "Janna, I must go back to the tribe in Romania. Janus has planned it."

__

" Oh, so if_ Janus_ plans it, it's drop all things immediately and head for the hills!"

"There will be no hills, Janna," Talia smiled, looking sheepish. " You know what I mean." I snapped. " You're gonna go with everybody else to the Rom and become a gypsy."

' We ARE gypsies Jan, we've been nothing else our whole lives. When will you see that?"

" I _know_ we're gypsies, but to live with the tribe. They're the serious deal, Tals. You probably will have to marry Janus when you get there."

" That won't be such a bad thing," she said softly.

" You wanna live in confinement then. Be different from the whole world, then. What about us, then." I paused to steady myself. " We were going to be a team, you know, you the Magic shop owner, and me the teacher?"

" I go to Romania because I want to. And it's different for you, you have a gift with these computers. You have a gift with people." She stepped closer to me, her soft brown eyes moistening "It's your destiny, not mine." I turned away from her, my feelings to hard to maintain looking at her. " When are you leaving?" I asked.

"Tomorrow." 

"Oh, well then, I'll leave you to pack." I walked slowly out of her tent.

"Janna" she whispers, voice full of emotion. "I think you'll make into a real good teacher." Unable to answer or even look at her I walk off.

You see, I just couldn't handle it. I wanted to say goodbye, but I couldn't, for it was too hard. I couldn't face the fact that I was going into the world alone. You understand that don't you?

Well, I'm walking, and guess whom I run into. Yes, Uncle Enyos.

"I hear you are not leaving with the other children tomorrow. I cannot say I am surprised."

" Uncle, I wish to leave because I have no true use as a gypsy. I'm not the best at rituals, and I probably won't fit in with the rest of the tribe." I said desperately.

"I know. Some would say you're not vengeful enough." He said icily.

"Uncle, please, I am. I do the right thing, rituals, spells, and _hate_ Angelus with all my heart. I know that we serve vengeance. I will always will. But the tribe isn't my home."

"Very well. Know this, Janna, we will never leave you alone Where ever you go you will not be free of us. You're part of the Kalderash clan forever."

" I know Uncle." My heart sinks slowly. He looked towards the sunset. " You must leave tonight. Before the sun goes down. We are doing the goodbye ritual and you must not be present. Understood."

" But Talia…

"**Understood**!" 

"Yes uncle." 

So here I am, in this hotel room. I don't now where I'll go, but I'll find a way."

Bye from Janna.

She said she had rough beginnings, but Rupert Giles couldn't imagine how hard it would've been for the young gypsy. Curious he flipped to the back of the book, they're to his immense surprise was a letter. Without hesitation, he opened it.

__

Dear Rupert

I know you feel betrayed, but I'm going to give you my diary, just to explain my life in here. All the sweat, tears and pain is all in there. I'm doing it because all the secrets should be gone. I want so badly for things to be right with you, I've never met a man like you. All my life I felt like it was leading up to something. Instead of making Angel suffer, I'm gonna cure him instead. My life has also lead up to you. Look, I'm not asking for much, but if I could just talk to you, I would count it a blessing because I love you, bad. When I came here I didn't want to fall in love but I did, and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't know when I can give you this letter, but please just give me a chance.

Love always

Jenny.

Tears were flowing freely down from Rupert Giles face. Tears of sadness and joy both, knowing that her time on earth she lived life to the fullest and died doing something she loved. Slowly he turned around and headed up to the room where her beautiful body had lied, so still.

Hour's later Jenny Calendar looked down at her beloved face. She smiled down at him as tears ran town her transparent face. "No more secrets," she soothes. " One day we will be together again." With a painful smile, the woman turned and disappeared into the darkness.


End file.
